I was at the grocery store buying cat food and wine today. Another Saturday night for the single middle-aged woman.
I threw in some yogurt and bananas to seem less pathetic. It was an effort i felt i needed to make.
Right now the thought is making me laugh. So perfect. But i wonder if i'm healing, just a little. I look back at the past 6 months, and i realize that i am no longer feeling the mood swings and anger that i did when i was with him and when he left.
I am seriously thinking about sending his new wife a "Thank You" card. This feeling won't last, but this is the first time i have allowed myself to think about the reasons that i am better off without him. He made me crazy and feel bad about myself. In all honesty, i am not that bad. You could do much worse than me as a friend.
Some things i like about myself:
I am loyal.
I am real. ( I want to emphasize this, as it becoming increasingly important to me. I have no tolerance for your denial.)
I am funny.
I am a good listener. I can really drop my crap and hear you.
I am not judgmental. Unless you hurt animals or children, i am pretty much okay with it.
I know how to be quiet.
I like to be silly.
I understand that nothing is simple, including emotions.
I love my daughter and my cat.
I don't feel the need to be the center of attention. Well except for the blogging. (See? No denial.)
My brother's memorial is in two weeks. About 500 people are expected. How weird do you think it will be? I am thinking pretty fucking weird.
That's my standard shopping list if you include dog food and gelato.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't pretty fucking weird, it wouldn't seem normal. Loss makes you crazy.
I am reading this and seeing the very signs you are - healing is beginning. Being able to contemplate the situation without the blind hatred and self-loathing and all consuming doubt is a monumental step. Something to be proud of. =)
ReplyDelete500, wow. I can't even imagine how that would feel.