Twenty Fifth

When she fell.

I feel like that's the name of a book.  But maybe it's the name of my book.  Because i fell a long way; from mediocre, abusive, critical, contemptuous love into depression and loneliness and self-loathing.

The saddest thing is that i miss him.  I miss the common sense of humor, the shared language references, sex.  I am so used to having someone to rely on, okay, i miss having someone that i thought i could rely on, that i relied on having to rely on, so much so that i fooled myself into believing that i could rely on him.  I couldn't.

I can't rely on anyone.  That is how we all live, we just don't know it.

Twenty Fourth

I'm so lonely i want to die.

I have no interests, i have no talents, i have no hobbies.  Nothing to keep me busy and take away the emptiness of my life.

It's like i forgot to become a person.

Twenty Third

Shit i cannot say.  Shit i cannot acknowledge:

I want revenge.  I want to tear apart his new life like he tore apart my old life.

I know that this is hopeless.  I know that i cannot heal until i get over this need.  This is why i fear that i cannot recover, that i will never recover.  Because i cannot imagine getting over the desire for revenge. I am small and hateful.  

I am defective.

Twenty second

Sometimes i think i might actually be worth something.  I feel that way right now.  It won't last, but it's a nice respite.

Some people like me.  When i am real, some people still like me.  And all i know how to be is real.

Okay, that's an exaggeration.  I know how to be quiet when i am with people who don't want me to be real.  Real can be ugly feelings and sadness and anger and feelings that are hard to be with.  I am certainly capable of playing the game, being glib and amusing.  I'm actually kind of good at it.  But even in that state, i can be real.  What i am practicing, is to be real more often.

Twenty First

You fooled me.  You did it.  You fooled me and made a fool of me for a year.  You win.  You are better/smarter/cleverer than me.

I hope you are proud of yourself.  I hope destroying me was worth it.  I hope that i will someday become undestroyed.  I'm sick of living like this.

I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get better.  I don't know how to leave this behind.  I am ashamed of myself.

Twentieth

Is it possible to miss someone and hate them at the same time?

That is what hurts so much.  The connection, the relationship.  What hurts so much is to know that i am the only one to whom it meant anything.

The common language, the history.  I was alone in it all.  The humiliation of knowing that kills me.  

I wish i were dead.  I want to die.  I can't live with many superficial relationships.  I need one deep one.  But i am not qualified to tell what a real relationship is.  

Nineteenth

I am sitting in a noisy crowded Starbucks. People are all around me. I feel alone. I am running one of those errands where you need another person to do it comfortably, to get a ride. 

Eighteenth

All that love, all my love, all that i am, was wasted.

It all amounted to nothing.

I am nothing.

I can affect no change in those around me with my love.

My contempt for your neediness.  I can affect no change with my contempt.

I am nothing.  It all is nothing. 

Nothing.

Seventeenth

One night last week i threw three wine glasses off my balcony in rapid succession.  They made a satisfying thunk/blam/pow/smash as they hit the roof of the building below me.

I was angry.  I am angry.

I can't believe that my life will ever be happy again.  I look at the next 30 or so years being as unhappy as i am now, and i can't face it.  I can't face living just so my child will have a parent.  With me being alone and lonely the whole time.  I'm just not that brave.

Sixteenth

You have no idea how much i hate you.  
The saddest thing, for me, is that you don't care.

The mess that you left when you went away.  You oughta know.