I am fat, i weigh more than i ever have except when i was pregnant. I only have two pairs of jeans that fit, and they are too tight.
I am not exercising, something i have done consistently for 20+ years, but not now.
I am lonely, but i do nothing about it.
I don't read. It seems too hard. All my life i have read books, but not now. I just play games on my phone.
I don't sleep unless i drink and smoke.
I drink too much. It's the only thing that makes me happy.
I force myself out of bed each day, but i always feel fear upon leaving my bed.
I hate my ex. I hate him often, every day more than once. This cannot be good for me. People tell me to get over it, but they don't tell me how.
I am old, and ugly and wrinkled and stiff.
I cannot imagine anyone who would love me. Worse, i can't imagine anyone i would love.
This is why i don't write.
It sounds like you are deeply depressed. Depression fucks with your mind, it impairs your thinking process. I know this from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteI doesn't matter right now if anyone else loves you or not. You are not loving yourself. Why not?
Loving yourself includes taking care of yourself. You know this. You know how to be kind to yourself. If you treated a child the way you are treating yourself right now, you would give yourself a good smack upside the head.
Go here, it's a good place to start.
http://www.self-compassion.org/
Are you seeing a counselor? You need to. If I lived closer I would drag you out for a walk everyday. You matter. Sending hugs sweetie.
I want to hug you. Old ugly wrinkled and stiff. Well, aren't we all heading in that direction? (I know I am.) "Get over it", is very unhelpful advice. The question is how. If I was a counsellor (oh wait, I am) I would give you a prescription to make a list of things you used to enjoy before.
ReplyDeleteLike… I dunno. What did you enjoy? Going to the movies? Reading books? Hiking? Getting your hair done? Buying a new pair of shoes? Well some of those things are from my list, but you get the idea.
And then I would tell you that you had to one of those things every day for a prescribed length of time. Let's say half an hour to start. Except movies, in which case you are to watch the whole thing. ;)
The other thing is that I would force you to research and join a group of people who share a common interest. Like a church group (haha, just kidding). No, but really a group. There are groups that do creative writing together, painting, hiking, birdwatching, social dancing, whatever. I would force you to join one and attend its meetings. If it only met sporadically I would force you to join more than one.
Why? I guess because it has potential to do a number of things. It makes a person get out of bed and get dressed, with a purpose in mind. It encourages social connections with like-minded people. It has potential for making friends. It has potential for increasing happiness and providing a sense of purpose. Something to look forward to.
It doesn't fix everything, but it might give life some structure.
Will you try?
Will you keep writing? I miss hearing from you when you are gone.
Hello friend.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you feel alive? What used to make you feel alive?
The alcohol thing, I relate to it. When I consume heavily, I allow myself to feel things I refuse to lower my guard enough to feel under less guarded circumstances. I feel vulnerable. Strangely, I don’t relate alcohol to happiness, only release. But even in the release, it feels forced so I try not to drink as much.
Going through the motions is difficult. You deserve more. You have value and I pity the person who does’t take time to get to know you. I wish you lived closer because you make me laugh in an easy way.
I haven't stopped thinking about you and your situation. Something I have been thinking about is a time when I was terribly, terribly, terribly sad. And I remember being so trapped inside that sadness that I could not take any steps to change it, not actively. All I could do was try and keep my car from driving off a bridge. And if someone had given me a trite little list of things that I could do to make me happier again, I could not have done a single one of them. I would not have wanted to, because although I wanted to feel better, I wanted the thing that made me sad *fixed* and nothing could fix it. So to tell me to exercise or get more sleep would have made me say fuck off. So maybe that's how you feel right now, maybe. In which case maybe I have offended or irritated you with suggesting things that might make you feel better, because maybe right now you can't. Or don't want to. And I actually do understand that. And if it's the case, then I want to apologize for being a nuisance, and I also want to tell you that I understand, and I care. For real.
ReplyDelete