Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Fiftieth

Fear.  Fear brings me to my knees.  The worst thing is that what I fear is nothing that is happening, but something that might happen.  So, FTF (Fuck The Future) is going to be my new motto.  Not that it will help, but it will remind me that I should take a few deep breaths and save the worrying for reality.  I used to have a neighbor who told me that I excelled at "anticipatory grief".  Another word I like is horriblizing.  I happen to have a PhD in horriblizing.  I wonder if that is a science or an art degree.

I think that if you are not afraid, you are not paying attention.

My cat is getting old, and was recently diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.  I am afraid of him dying.  I feel like I can’t take any more loss in my life right now.  Of course I will if I have to, but I am still afraid of my grief at the thought of life without Brown Cat.

Behind that grief, there is the shame of not getting over previous grief in the correct amount of time.  How long is it okay to be sad over losing a cat?  How about a brother?  How about a husband?  

How about forever?


I still miss Eliot and he’s been gone 12 years.  Sometimes I still see his big white furry body out of the corner of my eye.  I like to think that he feels me remembering him in those moments, although I don’t believe it.  I still like these glimpses though, it is the thought of his spirit that was so precious to me that makes me smile.

2 comments:

  1. Sadness is a testament that one has experienced love in its most deep and profound manifestations. To love so deeply, one must be fearless, vulnerable and compassionate.

    There is no correct amount of time. For some grief doesn’t dissolve, but it becomes less dominant as we give more of attention to other things.

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  2. Oh, yeah. I miss my first pup so much that I still make myself cry over it sometimes. Because I *adored* him. Wholeheartedly. I don't think grief really ends when it comes to losing someone you love, whether that is a pet or a family member or a spouse. I think grief can become more tolerable, or it can become buried beneath new loves, but I do not think it goes away. It's still there, just less raw. But it can become uncovered. Sometimes I uncover mine on purpose just because I want to see if it's still there. It always is.

    I do not think there is any shame in grief. Grief is so (painfully) human.

    I prefer my grief(s) to be private, however. I cry alone. I pick at them alone. Maybe it's because I feel like I should have fully recovered by now - but that's only part of it. I also just don't enjoy that kind of sharing. But some people do. My family does. I try to endure their need to share their grieving with me. I try to support them; it's difficult.

    Your grief isn't wrong. You aren't wrong. There are so many different ways we can do this.

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