I have just done a very scientific survey on the top 100 books for kindle on Amazon:
On the top 100:
- 6 books featured a male chest, usually naked, perhaps in a shirt.
of the top 100 FREE:
- 15 of the books were displays of male pulchritude.
You are welcome for this intel, gathered at great expense and personal peril.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Forty Fifth
I was at the grocery store buying cat food and wine today. Another Saturday night for the single middle-aged woman.
I threw in some yogurt and bananas to seem less pathetic. It was an effort i felt i needed to make.
Right now the thought is making me laugh. So perfect. But i wonder if i'm healing, just a little. I look back at the past 6 months, and i realize that i am no longer feeling the mood swings and anger that i did when i was with him and when he left.
I am seriously thinking about sending his new wife a "Thank You" card. This feeling won't last, but this is the first time i have allowed myself to think about the reasons that i am better off without him. He made me crazy and feel bad about myself. In all honesty, i am not that bad. You could do much worse than me as a friend.
Some things i like about myself:
I am loyal.
I am real. ( I want to emphasize this, as it becoming increasingly important to me. I have no tolerance for your denial.)
I am funny.
I am a good listener. I can really drop my crap and hear you.
I am not judgmental. Unless you hurt animals or children, i am pretty much okay with it.
I know how to be quiet.
I like to be silly.
I understand that nothing is simple, including emotions.
I love my daughter and my cat.
I don't feel the need to be the center of attention. Well except for the blogging. (See? No denial.)
My brother's memorial is in two weeks. About 500 people are expected. How weird do you think it will be? I am thinking pretty fucking weird.
I threw in some yogurt and bananas to seem less pathetic. It was an effort i felt i needed to make.
Right now the thought is making me laugh. So perfect. But i wonder if i'm healing, just a little. I look back at the past 6 months, and i realize that i am no longer feeling the mood swings and anger that i did when i was with him and when he left.
I am seriously thinking about sending his new wife a "Thank You" card. This feeling won't last, but this is the first time i have allowed myself to think about the reasons that i am better off without him. He made me crazy and feel bad about myself. In all honesty, i am not that bad. You could do much worse than me as a friend.
Some things i like about myself:
I am loyal.
I am real. ( I want to emphasize this, as it becoming increasingly important to me. I have no tolerance for your denial.)
I am funny.
I am a good listener. I can really drop my crap and hear you.
I am not judgmental. Unless you hurt animals or children, i am pretty much okay with it.
I know how to be quiet.
I like to be silly.
I understand that nothing is simple, including emotions.
I love my daughter and my cat.
I don't feel the need to be the center of attention. Well except for the blogging. (See? No denial.)
My brother's memorial is in two weeks. About 500 people are expected. How weird do you think it will be? I am thinking pretty fucking weird.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Forty Fourth
And then there were two.
He is gone. he died Tuesday around noon. I am glad he did not have to live anymore like he was the last time i saw him on Monday afternoon. It was awful. His eyes were rolling back in his head from the drugs, his mouth was hanging open and he was having trouble breathing.
I got the call from his oldest son that he had died. I sat for a minute, and then i cried. I cried hard enough so that my daughter came out of her room to see what was wrong, although she already knew.
So, the legend of Saint Jim has begun. His wife is saying that he was the best man ever, EVER. The only people who don't think that are his family of origin, whom he mostly ignored for the past 40 years. But if you think i am going to disagree with his wife/my sister-in-law to her face, you are crazy.
There are 3 people left on this planet who have known me all my life, and only one of them who knows what it was like to grow up in that family.
And my dad is 87, and my mom is 84. This might be a rough year.
Seriously, thank you for your comments. I read them all, more than once, and i love you. You are so wise.
What will happen next?
He is gone. he died Tuesday around noon. I am glad he did not have to live anymore like he was the last time i saw him on Monday afternoon. It was awful. His eyes were rolling back in his head from the drugs, his mouth was hanging open and he was having trouble breathing.
I got the call from his oldest son that he had died. I sat for a minute, and then i cried. I cried hard enough so that my daughter came out of her room to see what was wrong, although she already knew.
So, the legend of Saint Jim has begun. His wife is saying that he was the best man ever, EVER. The only people who don't think that are his family of origin, whom he mostly ignored for the past 40 years. But if you think i am going to disagree with his wife/my sister-in-law to her face, you are crazy.
There are 3 people left on this planet who have known me all my life, and only one of them who knows what it was like to grow up in that family.
And my dad is 87, and my mom is 84. This might be a rough year.
Seriously, thank you for your comments. I read them all, more than once, and i love you. You are so wise.
What will happen next?
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Forty Third
When your husband leaves you, you can be sad for a while, but after that people wonder why you don't just get over it. So you hide it, the sadness.
When your brother is dying (the word on the street is less than two weeks) it's okay to be sad.
I am using my brother dying to show the sadness i always feel, but now it's acceptable. I am not over it. I will probably never be over it. But i feel ashamed to have let a man (my ex) make me so sad.
Last night my daughter came home from a dinner with her dad and told me that he wished we had broken up when she was three. That last 17 years of being a family meant nothing. I don't think he should have told her that, and i wish she hadn't told me. That hurt.
Do not misunderstand. I am devastated that my brother is dying. I know he is going to die soon, i KNOW it, but i still don't believe it.
When your brother is dying (the word on the street is less than two weeks) it's okay to be sad.
I am using my brother dying to show the sadness i always feel, but now it's acceptable. I am not over it. I will probably never be over it. But i feel ashamed to have let a man (my ex) make me so sad.
Last night my daughter came home from a dinner with her dad and told me that he wished we had broken up when she was three. That last 17 years of being a family meant nothing. I don't think he should have told her that, and i wish she hadn't told me. That hurt.
Do not misunderstand. I am devastated that my brother is dying. I know he is going to die soon, i KNOW it, but i still don't believe it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Forty Second
I have missed you for years. I didn't understand why you didn't want to be around me, but i accepted it because i accepted the idea that i am not that great. I am the B list person. It's not true, but i accepted that, because i thought it was.
Now i know that it wasn't about me, i was collateral damage from your need to get as far away as you could from our parents. THAT i understand. But i wish i hadn't been thrown away too.
Oh, the damage that was done.
Now i know that it wasn't about me, i was collateral damage from your need to get as far away as you could from our parents. THAT i understand. But i wish i hadn't been thrown away too.
Oh, the damage that was done.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Forty First
Okay, so, things are weird. My mom is losing it, as in her memory is shot. Jim is fading fast and it’s just so sad. There are lots of events. Jim loves a circus (or what i crudely call a cluster fuck).
Tomorrow all my cousins and my aunt are coming in to see Jim. My mom wanted to take everyone out to lunch, not realizing that Jim couldn’t go, when my SIL pointed this out to her, my mom said “Oh, i could have lunch be take out.” and asked SIL to organize it. Yeah, lunch for 25 or so people. SIL does not have that kind of energy right now. So i took care of it and got everything ordered and told my mom, who was relieved to not have to figure this out. So my daughter and i will be picking up lunch for 25 (or so) at 11:30 and taking it to Jim’s house. God only knows who all will be there.
Jim is….. i don’t even know how to describe it….in a wheelchair with his son helping him to move from the wheelchair to the bed to the couch. Jim can’t even wear shorts any more because his legs and scrotum are so swollen. He is sitting on pee pads because he is leaking. The drugs for pain make him hallucinate.
I am sad. But this is not about me.
Tomorrow all my cousins and my aunt are coming in to see Jim. My mom wanted to take everyone out to lunch, not realizing that Jim couldn’t go, when my SIL pointed this out to her, my mom said “Oh, i could have lunch be take out.” and asked SIL to organize it. Yeah, lunch for 25 or so people. SIL does not have that kind of energy right now. So i took care of it and got everything ordered and told my mom, who was relieved to not have to figure this out. So my daughter and i will be picking up lunch for 25 (or so) at 11:30 and taking it to Jim’s house. God only knows who all will be there.
Jim is….. i don’t even know how to describe it….in a wheelchair with his son helping him to move from the wheelchair to the bed to the couch. Jim can’t even wear shorts any more because his legs and scrotum are so swollen. He is sitting on pee pads because he is leaking. The drugs for pain make him hallucinate.
I am sad. But this is not about me.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Fourtieth
I... (it's all about me)... I cannot stand it that my brother is dying. He's only 58. I can't stand it, but, as fucking usual, i have no choice.
Also, to add to the creepiness, there are people who get off on the news of a dying person. I wish i were kidding, but i am not. My oldest brother, who is not, as far as i know, dying (any more than the rest of us) set up a blog site for information about my middle brother (who, goddammit, is dying). There is this one woman who comments who is inappropriate and prying. We are now moderating comments on the website, because of her, and i happily deleted one of her asinine remarks. And of course, she noticed, because she is a complete freak, and is now emailing with me as to why her comment got deleted.
Fucking A. Because you are an idiot, that's why. This situation is not funny, or in any way amusing, so stop trying to be cute. Fuck you. Fuck you SO HARD.
Also, to add to the creepiness, there are people who get off on the news of a dying person. I wish i were kidding, but i am not. My oldest brother, who is not, as far as i know, dying (any more than the rest of us) set up a blog site for information about my middle brother (who, goddammit, is dying). There is this one woman who comments who is inappropriate and prying. We are now moderating comments on the website, because of her, and i happily deleted one of her asinine remarks. And of course, she noticed, because she is a complete freak, and is now emailing with me as to why her comment got deleted.
Fucking A. Because you are an idiot, that's why. This situation is not funny, or in any way amusing, so stop trying to be cute. Fuck you. Fuck you SO HARD.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)