Twenty Fifth

When she fell.

I feel like that's the name of a book.  But maybe it's the name of my book.  Because i fell a long way; from mediocre, abusive, critical, contemptuous love into depression and loneliness and self-loathing.

The saddest thing is that i miss him.  I miss the common sense of humor, the shared language references, sex.  I am so used to having someone to rely on, okay, i miss having someone that i thought i could rely on, that i relied on having to rely on, so much so that i fooled myself into believing that i could rely on him.  I couldn't.

I can't rely on anyone.  That is how we all live, we just don't know it.

Twenty Fourth

I'm so lonely i want to die.

I have no interests, i have no talents, i have no hobbies.  Nothing to keep me busy and take away the emptiness of my life.

It's like i forgot to become a person.

Twenty Third

Shit i cannot say.  Shit i cannot acknowledge:

I want revenge.  I want to tear apart his new life like he tore apart my old life.

I know that this is hopeless.  I know that i cannot heal until i get over this need.  This is why i fear that i cannot recover, that i will never recover.  Because i cannot imagine getting over the desire for revenge. I am small and hateful.  

I am defective.

Twenty second

Sometimes i think i might actually be worth something.  I feel that way right now.  It won't last, but it's a nice respite.

Some people like me.  When i am real, some people still like me.  And all i know how to be is real.

Okay, that's an exaggeration.  I know how to be quiet when i am with people who don't want me to be real.  Real can be ugly feelings and sadness and anger and feelings that are hard to be with.  I am certainly capable of playing the game, being glib and amusing.  I'm actually kind of good at it.  But even in that state, i can be real.  What i am practicing, is to be real more often.

Twenty First

You fooled me.  You did it.  You fooled me and made a fool of me for a year.  You win.  You are better/smarter/cleverer than me.

I hope you are proud of yourself.  I hope destroying me was worth it.  I hope that i will someday become undestroyed.  I'm sick of living like this.

I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get better.  I don't know how to leave this behind.  I am ashamed of myself.

Twentieth

Is it possible to miss someone and hate them at the same time?

That is what hurts so much.  The connection, the relationship.  What hurts so much is to know that i am the only one to whom it meant anything.

The common language, the history.  I was alone in it all.  The humiliation of knowing that kills me.  

I wish i were dead.  I want to die.  I can't live with many superficial relationships.  I need one deep one.  But i am not qualified to tell what a real relationship is.  

Nineteenth

I am sitting in a noisy crowded Starbucks. People are all around me. I feel alone. I am running one of those errands where you need another person to do it comfortably, to get a ride. 

Eighteenth

All that love, all my love, all that i am, was wasted.

It all amounted to nothing.

I am nothing.

I can affect no change in those around me with my love.

My contempt for your neediness.  I can affect no change with my contempt.

I am nothing.  It all is nothing. 

Nothing.

Seventeenth

One night last week i threw three wine glasses off my balcony in rapid succession.  They made a satisfying thunk/blam/pow/smash as they hit the roof of the building below me.

I was angry.  I am angry.

I can't believe that my life will ever be happy again.  I look at the next 30 or so years being as unhappy as i am now, and i can't face it.  I can't face living just so my child will have a parent.  With me being alone and lonely the whole time.  I'm just not that brave.

Sixteenth

You have no idea how much i hate you.  
The saddest thing, for me, is that you don't care.

The mess that you left when you went away.  You oughta know.

Fifteenth

I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do to get better. All the things i try, all the things people suggest, i try.  Meditation. Writing. Exercise. Time.

Nothing works.  I feel so false in the acting i do to hide my distress from my child.  I know she can sense my defects.  

Fourteenth

Friending.

Make new friends everyone says.  Get out more.  Be open to new people and experiences.

Okay, i agree with all this, and that it's a good thing to have more friends.  But no one ever tells you the downside of it, that you may end up with some friends that you don't like all that much.

Now i have some friends who like me better than i like them.  One of my newish friends talks constantly, and all about herself.  Another one is so earnest and apologizes all the time for silly things.

I am a smart ass.  I like silly people who see and can laugh with me at the absurdities of life.  I like people who can listen as well as talk.  I like people who don't have an imaginary friend in the sky who gets the credit/blame for everything.  I like people who face reality without denial.

I am asking too much.

Thirteenth

For someone who is alone, this is a long, long weekend.  A long weekend to try and fill with activity.  I will manage, but there are long times of nothing.  This is where i want alcohol.  It fills in the time.  It distracts me.

What i wish:  (pick one)

• that he will lose his job.  (This would destroy his ego, although he would be fine financially.)
• that he will have erectile disfunction with anyone but me as long as both of us are still alive.  (and i will never fuck him again.)
• that he will have nightmares every night about me (like i do about him)

I am pathetic.  I know.

What i really wish:

• That i didn't care.
• That i was over it.
• That i was stronger.
• That i didn't suck.

Twelveth

Okay, a little less whining tonight and a bit of an action plan.

I'm going to try and stop drinking every, or even most nights.  The reason for this is that the only time i am happy is when i am drinking.  It takes away the anxiety and sadness.  It also fucks up my sleep.

Interestingly, i am more ashamed of the feelings than i am of the drinking.

This is night 3.  Last night i slept like shit.  Vivid nightmares.  (Note to self, don't go to bed high.)  I dreamed that i was in a house, a really really run down house, with my ex, waiting for him to leave me that day, so he could move in with his new wife, after we shopped for new sheets for a king sized bed.  But i made him leave early, just to get it over.  Then i was alone in the really really run down house, trying to find a way to locate and lock all the doors, so that i was safe.  It was so sad that i woke up.

That was the last i slept.

Eleventh

There are storms we cannot weather. - Les Miserables

Truth in song lyrics.

I am lost.  I am broken.  I am glad you don't know me, you would be as ashamed of me as i am.  This is why i cannot take the people i know, the people who used to know me, with me on this journey.  It is as ugly as raw pain can get.  And it is indulgent on my part.  

I hope that it is drawing the poison from my heart.

Tenth

Don't you dare judge me.  Don't you dare judge me until you have read/understood my whole story.  Fuck you.  Fuck you Debbies.  I hate you.  I hate you anyway.

Although you don't even think of me.  I lose.

Ninth

I remember the last time i had sex.  It was good.  I guess just for me though.

It was on vacation, the vacation we took, with our child, right before you left.  The vacation on which you were planning to leave me, and texting/IMing with your love, the whole time.  The vacation place that was ruined for me and our child because of the fun that we had and the falseness that it must have required from you.

Classy act, to go on that vacation, knowing that you were already gone.  Runs in your family.  Quote "At least i got a vacation to Hawaii out of him first." Unquote.  Sound familiar? 

Eighth

It's becoming clear to me why people who don't want to live go undetected among us.  We are ashamed, and know that no one can really help us.  Nothing you say can help me feel better about my life.

I am ashamed because i have plenty.  Plenty of money, plenty of health, some good friends, intelligence, a child i love and who loves me.  But, for me, nothing can take away the emptiness that is in my heart.  The knowledge that i don't matter very much to anyone.  I matter a little to a lot of people, i matter a bit more to my child, but i don't matter a lot to anyone.

I used to, but that was an illusion.  It turned out that i didn't matter very much to him.  I was living in denial, a thing i hate.

I don't care about the money.  I do care about the health.  I take intelligence for granted, because i have always had it, but i will take the feeling that i am defective, and not worthy of love to my grave.

Nothing anyone can say will change that.

Seventh

I got my first mouthguard today.  I am old.  I have never needed one before.  I don't grind my teeth, i clench my jaw.  Tonight is the first night that i will try and wear it.  Should be interesting.

Anxiety.  Tension.  Suicidal Tendencies.  

They catch up with you.

Why am i trying to save my teeth when i don't want to live?  

Sixth

The only time i feel happy is when i am drinking.

I am scared.

Fifth

I don't understand.  I Don't Understand.  I DON'T understand.  

I don't understand how all those years, how all that time, how all that history, how all that everything.  Can mean nothing.  

I don't understand.  Is all i think of reality wrong?  

Apparently, yes.

Fourth

De,

I thought i would always know you.  I took it for granted that i would always be able to find you.  I know it's been a while since we connected, but the internet can be like that.  

Looking over some old stuff today, i realize that i don't know how to contact you.  That is weird, because we were "together" a long time.  I know shit about you.  You know shit about me.  I know what you look like, from pictures.  You know what i look like, from carefully selected pictures.

I am thinking of you, and hoping you are well.  I know you wish the same for me.

Although we both know that's not's what is happening in our lives, but i still wish it were true.

Third

Yes, i know people deal with worse things.  All the time.  Way worse.

If i could shame myself out of my feelings i would have done it very successfully by now.  But i still feel how i feel, despite all the helpful advice from people telling why i shouldn't feel how i feel.

I still feel how i feel, only now i don't talk about it, because i am ashamed.

Second

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to move on.  I feel ashamed of myself for still feeling so hurt and angry and sad after all this time.  Am i incapable of healing?

  Something is wrong with me, something i don't know how to understand, much less fix.

My emotional level appears to be stuck in junior high.  I can't bear it when she goes to see her dad and his new wife in their new home.  I am filled with jealousy and anxiety that i can barely hide from her.  What if she wanted to spend a whole weekend there?  Or, even worse, move in with them?

I know i am being ridiculous.  I know she loves me and barely tolerates him.  But, what if?

I want the whole world to hate him, to see beyond his exterior charm to the falseness and emptiness that lies beneath.

I am not proud of myself.

First

I don't owe you any explanation.  

I am dying.  I want to die.  I wish i were dead.  I am trapped because i have a child.  I believe you give up all right to kill yourself when you have a child.  

My child is all grown up.  My child lives with me, having returned after having an after college experience.  Good for her.

It kills me when she goes out with him.  I hate him.  I wish he were dead.  I wish i could tell her not to see him.  But he's her father.  I can't tell her to do that.  I want to though.  But, again, i can't.  I have to take the high road here.  Someone in her life does.  I wish it didn't have to be me.  But there is no one else.